By Grace Lu
black (2020) in Oxford Advanced Learners’ Dictionary
noun [uncountable] the very darkest colour / like night or coal
like ink stains on a bookshelf in my parents’ Chicago apartment (1989)
I don’t know if the bookshelf is real but in my mind it is
and even though it holds little it sags plenty because it is garage sale quality
It is the end of a decade and Celine Dion and Lionel Richie play on every American radio
and my parents are building a future
they are toiling in technical functions
they have a work ethic
the “it’s not about what you know but who you know” type of white people
have no reason to maintain
and they do this on foreign ground with no professional network (1)
no American accent (2)
no white American brand of charisma (3)
and they will raise a daughter who has all of the above ( 1 / 2 / 3 ) handed to her
as readily as the mother’s breast milk
and later when the father explains why it will be in
one breath – no commas no periods –
the father skims through his childhood and young adult life
the way white parents click fast-forward
through the Paint-me-like-one-of-your-French-girls scene in Titanic (1997)
whenever they watch it with children on VCR
and in my head this is all in
one breath – no commas no periods –
because I don’t need grammar
I don’t need either of our three shared languages
to know what my father is trying to tell me
and language is like culture
as in sometimes the rules are unspoken
and even though I know what they are I break
them anyway
black (2020) in Oxford Advanced Learners’ Dictionary
verb (British English) to refuse to deal with goods or to do business with somebody
as a political protest; as an attempt to unlearn the way
generations of trauma have robbed me of sustainable self-worth
have told me that failures of circumstance are failures of self
my dignity is shredding like paper
as in my understanding of this world is colored
not only by an immigrant hunger for generational wealth
but also by an American conviction that wealth is destined for those who are worthy
and barred from those who are not and
I am tired of white people
who think saying goodbye to that is as easy as follow your dreams
because even after the turtle becomes your pet
it does not forget the ocean
black (2020) in Oxford Advanced Learners’ Dictionary
adjective having the very darkest colour / like coal or the sky at night; like my parents
the stereotypical 80’s era first-gen Chinese-Americans
who cut off one arm to live in “paradise”
and the other arm to birth a child who grows up there and never has to leave
so how can I live with myself for having less than them in
income – the good capitalist’s measure of success
as in whenever I accept an honor or award for my (low-paying) humanities career
I see only myself tumbling down social ladders former peers climb seamlessly
social ladders I chose to step off of
but follow your dreams does not change how climbing that ladder
was as much of a rule for me as i before e
as in even in a poem with no commas no periods
the plural form of family does not end with
-eis
black (2020) in Oxford Advanced Learners’ Dictionary
adjective full of anger or hate; as in don’t you dare
put this poem next to tragic tales about abandoned women
the likes of Miss Saigon and South Pacific (see: The American Musical)
because my parents did not birth a damsel in distress
they raised a protagonist
as in I am not a victim / I am a hero and
my story is not for white culture to save or abandon
it is layered and alive
the way these words are black and beautiful
and some of its pages are empty but unlike that of a Rodgers & Hammerstein character
they are for no man to write on
(see: Sixteen Going on Seventeen from The Sound of Music (1959))
I am growing in a way that is uncomfortable and meandering
I am determined to remember the life I want is the life I deserve
and even if hope is a mere fantasy I will not
change desire in the horizon of disappointment and
this ability is innate
as in it was mine when my mother was listening to Celine Dion in ‘89
a near decade before my birth and
it will be mine when Dion is but a figure in ancient history
It will be mine when I am ancient history / It will be mine
It will be mine / It is mine
It is mine / I am mine
The way black is the darkest color in every
noun / adjective / verb
About the author:
Grace is a Texan who recently found her home in the Pacific Northwest. She has written creative work for various publications, including Dual Coast Magazine, The Fear of Monkeys, and Vol. 1 Brooklyn.
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